The stairs to the
basement creaked loudly. The light
switch at the top had stopped working earlier that year so the light had to be
turned on at the bottom. Jin had been meaning
to fix it for months, Danielle too nervous to walk downstairs in the dark while
she was pregnant, avoiding all trips without Jin leading the way. He cursed himself for waiting so long as he
stumbled down in the dark carrying the heavy and awkward glider.
“There
are always miracles.”
It was the year of the rabbit. Danielle didn’t believe in signs or God or
fate, but Jin did. He prayed to both the
Christian God and to his ancestors every day since finding out about his
son. She called him old-fashioned. He could picture his son, James, a strong and
handsome and funny young man. Her due
date was on Easter. She had chosen the
name for her father. He liked it because
it was the name of Jesus’s most beloved disciple.
“He
is a fighter...”
There were dozens of bags
from Danielle’s most recent shower. He
set the last of them down in the corner of the basement, overflowing and
haphazardly filled with blankets and onesies and crib sheets and diapers. He began with the bedroom because he knew it
would take the longest, and there was very little time.
“…but
we want you to be prepared.”
He moved on to the
kitchen. He couldn’t decide if he wanted
to put the champagne that had been chilling in the kitchen’s refrigerator into
the one downstairs, or allow it to come back up to room temperature, or throw
it away altogether. The checklist in his
head was getting crossed off, one room after another. He found the box for the breast pump and the
Baby Bullet broken down and folded behind the washer. He reassembled them and carefully placed the equipment
back in their boxes. Danielle had given
him such a hard time when he came home with the Bullet.
“He isn’t even going to
be able to eat solids or baby food for months.” Jin remembered their small
fight perfectly.
“Why did you buy that?” They were folding all of the recently washed baby
clothes they had been given in the basement, when suddenly Danielle let out a
little “Oh.”
He remembered her looking down and then up again, her face sheet-white. She looked so scared.
“We
never really know why things like this happen.”
He scanned the house once
more, looking for all traces and triggers.
He grabbed the What to Expect When
You’re Expecting book from her nightstand, leaving nothing in either of the
bedrooms. As he turned to head back
downstairs, he noticed the overnight bag sitting by the front door, forgotten
in their haste. He slung it over his
shoulder and headed down.
“I
would give him about a week. His liver
is no longer responding. His organs are
beginning to shut down.”
Danielle would be home
tomorrow. She hadn’t spoken since they
had taken his small body away, all 800 grams of him, just under two pounds. Jin had tried to comfort her, praying silently
to whomever would listen, but she would not be consoled. Her eyes staring empty, her mouth set. The tears never stopped streaming down her
cheeks and into the soft creases between her neck and chest and engorged and
useless breasts.
“Sometimes
these things just happen.”
After coming back
downstairs for the last time, Jin sat down in the glider, surrounded by
everything they had bought and been given and made in preparation for their
first and only son. He began rocking
slowly back and forth when he noticed a small gray rabbit lying face down on
the floor. It must have fallen out of
one of the bags. He remembered buying it
a few weeks earlier, gently placing it in the corner of James’s crib.
“Lay
your hands on him and let him know you are there.”
He got up and walked
towards the toy. Picking it up, his
breath began to shorten as he felt the softness of its ears and arms and legs,
reminding him of the gentle blonde fuzz all over his dying son’s body. He
squeezed his eyes shut and clutched the rabbit to his chest, sucking in a
shallow and sharp breath and then letting out an anguished sob. His head hung low, a stabbing pain shooting
behind his right eye. He started
wringing the rabbit’s body, twisting it in opposite directions.
“He
can hear your voice. The ears are some
of the first things to develop. Talk to
him.”
He threw the rabbit with
all of his might. Silently it fell to
the floor, as if caught by something invisible, too light to carry the weight
Jin needed. The unimpressive result of
this violence enraged Jin. He turned
around and picked up the glider and heaved it at the entertainment center. It crashed into the TV and dented the wall
deeply. He moved on to the boxes and
bags, swinging them in every direction.
Onesies with “Mommy and Daddy Love Me” and “Little Rascal” stitched on
the front, blue bibs and tiny hats and swaddlers and pacifiers falling all over
the floor. He grabbed the bottle of
champagne he had decided to leave out to warm, and hurled it against the wall
near the stairs. It hit the switch and
the light shut off, leaving him in complete darkness.
“He
isn’t in any pain.”
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