Friday, August 28, 2015
Nowhere to Hide
I read an article moments ago entitled "Why the Fuck Are You Writing?" and it made some really hard-hitting points. It did away with the good-feel-y statements that most writers make about their motivations for writing and tapped into their true reasons.
And I related.
In the deepest of places and the basest of reasons, reasons that I don't often (or never have) told people:
I want to write to be validated.
I want people to know how smart I am.
I want people to know how much I have suffered and pity me.
I want to make money doing this and not ever have to work in a restaurant again.
I want my college years and DEBT to mean something.
I want to write something that I would like to read.
I want followers.
I want recognition.
The article's point was we should stop writing like the selfish and conceited assholes we really are and actually try and put something out in the world that helps people.
And after reading this article, and realizing I am a selfish and conceited asshole writer, what could I write today that would help other people? What could I do that would be more than just my whiny anecdotes about just how hard I had/have/will always have it? Still not totally sure but let's see how this goes:
Sometimes I have to remind myself of the most important lessons I have ever learned: you are your own barometer for happiness and the reason for my arrow tattoo, if you feel like you are being pushed or pulled or held back, sometimes it means you are about to be launched into something better, greater, bigger, and more wonderful than where you are now.
And I've been feeling pushed, pulled and held back recently.
I have never been very good at hiding my emotions. If I am upset, angry, sad, tired, joyful, annoyed, excited, or bored, it shows up on my face like a bright flashing sign. I walk into a room and I might as well scream "Hey! I'm fucking pissed!" or: "I am so incredibly excited for x to occur that I can't even stand it!" or most often: "Am I the only one that's working right now?"
And it's a problem. I wish that I were a better poker player or I didn't let things upset me so much.
But what I am going to attempt to do today and tomorrow and for the rest of the week and month and year is realize that we are exactly where we are meant to be. I am learning something, whether I realize it or not, from where I am living and working. I will live in the moment and stop wishing away the here and now because the then and future will be so much better. There are good things about this moment right now - even if I can't see or feel them. And the better and greater and bigger and more wonderful "something" that I hope to be launched into will arrive in its own time. Why waste this moment being miserable? Things are never really that bad. So here's to my attempt at turning my frown upside down. And here's to trying to contribute something. (Even though I still feel this post was nothing more than a selfish rant and inward pep talk.)