Monday, July 7, 2014
I am writing this in the third person because I think I am the only one you might listen to. Open your mind, open your ears, quiet your worry, and listen to me, please.
Be kind to yourself. Be forgiving and be patient. You will be fine. You will not fail. Like your professor said in that kind email, you will never starve. If your body needs rest, let it sleep. Do not feel guilt for taking time to adjust to this new schedule, this new job, this new life.
Sweet girl, take care of yourself. Schedule that cleaning at the dentist. Drink lots of water. Eat something green today. But don't hate yourself for wanting to order pizza instead. Sometimes pizza is good, sometimes pizza is necessary, (just not all the time). You do not have to go and kill yourself at the gym for two hours every day and if you aren't feeling sore that doesn't mean you aren't working on your body. Stretch. Breath deeply. Sit up straight.
You are only responsible for your own happiness. You have always known that no one is going to take care of you - you never wanted that. But remember, it is not your responsibility to take care of anyone else. They will all figure their own lives out, and if they don't, that's not on you. Do not regress and change your values and goals and look for a partnership because things are a little harder right now. That is no partnership. That is a crutch. You have taken the steps to lift the heavy weight of your single-income financial burden and changed it so it doesn't feel quite so large, quite so overwhelming. You can do this. Like he said, you will never starve. You are strong. I will take care of you because I know better than anyone else what you need to be happy.
This is the only chance you get, the only go around. And just because you aren't doing what you thought you would be doing at this age, just because you aren't using your degree, just because you aren't writing thousands of words and dozens of pages a day, it doesn't mean you are allowed to throw your hands up and give in to self-loathing. Shaking those tiny fists at the universe will not change anything. Nothing will be given to you if you pout long and hard. It will only make YOUR day miserable. If you want to change your attitude, your circumstances, your productivity and your life, that's on you, kid. Small changes count. A smile instead of a worried brow is a start. This post is another step forward. The practice, the stretching of those fingers as they strike your laptop keys is progress. Even it doesn't feel like it, even if this isn't seen by anyone but you, it is enough. You are doing the work, you are putting in the time.
Write your pages. Every. Single. Day. It often takes you less than twenty minutes. And you have that. You have more than that even though sometimes it doesn't feel that way.
You have to go to work. You are in a good place. You are surrounded by good people. You have more support than you know.
And finally, my love, be patient. I know you want great things, I know you dream of wonder and mountains and stars and sailing on oceans. That time will come. Those things will happen. You have been given this life. You are so lucky. Be grateful. Be kind. Be open. Look around you for the opportunities that you might have been missing. It is all going to be just fine. It is all going to work out. You are going to live a magnificent life.